A Personal Declaration of Independence

As we move through life, we may notice from time to time that we feel somewhat like an imposter – the image we present to the world does not accurately reflect our inner sense of self. Most of us could, upon reflection, recall some example of having to “put on an act” or of choosing to be less authentic in order to please someone or to conceal something within ourselves. Having some capacity to do this is a necessary and prudent social skill, but if this behaviour is a dominant feature of our way of being in the world, we can lose our sense of self and become essentially unknowable to others. Honest self-knowledge enables us to be authentically known by others and therefore capable of the meaningful, healthy, intimate relationships most of us say we want.

It may help to illustrate this point if we cautiously step into the arena of politics to consider the need for self-knowledge and self-definition.

If you were a country seeking some sort of alliance with another – military, economic, cultural – you would hesitate to do so if the other country did not recognize your sovereignty. The risk of losing your country, of losing the right to act in its interests would be too great to justify such an alliance. Similarly, if you were indeed already colonized, annexed, ruled from afar, you understandably might seek to overthrow that control in order to govern yourself. Grossly simplified, this seems to describe the emergence of the famous document that contributed to the establishment of the United States of America. For our purposes, it is noteworthy that, when one might have expected a Declaration of War, the founders first produced an act of self-definition, the Declaration of Independence. This is a helpful notion when applied to relationships among individuals, not just among states. We each can benefit from reflecting upon what we believe is essential for our life to be meaningful, rewarding, just, productive and contributing to the greater good. Put those thoughts, feelings and beliefs into written form and you have … The Personal Declaration of Independence.

Obviously, this is a very personal expression, but it may be helpful to start with an outline on which you can build.

1. What are my core values? (things which I believe must be true, must be present in life to make it worth living).
2. How do I wish to be treated and to treat others? (probably quite similar)
3. What are my short, medium and long-term goals? (at this time, not carved in stone)
4. What is this all about? (“Why are we here?” “How do we make sense of life?” “Is there more to it?” These are “deep” thoughts we may have on occasion when we need to find meaning in our day-to-day existence – spirituality, in the broadest sense of the word.)

It is sometimes difficult to start this, particularly the identification of “core values”. Stephen Covey offered some help in his widely read book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” – he suggests that we imagine ourselves present at our own funeral or memorial service. Imagine you are a hovering presence capable of hearing what people say and also knowing their thoughts about you, now that you’ve passed on. What would you like to have people say and think about you? How you answer will likely lead you to your core values. Don’t edit on the basis of your behaviour being inconsistent with the application of some ideal – at this point it’s the ideal itself you’re after, not your track record.

Part two, your thoughts on relationship, ought to include your relationship to yourself, as well, since that determines in great measure how you will deal with others. Thirdly, the list of goals is a “snapshot” of this time in your life, subject to modification as time passes. Don’t hold back in this section because you’re not confident of accomplishing some specific goal – it’s a future-oriented statement, and none of us can offer guarantees. Lastly, let your critical voice take a nap and just be a starry-eyed idealist for a while – speculate on the higher purpose for choosing goodness and living with intention. If you hold religious views that may help with this section, include them. This document is alive, you will change and add to it for as long as it serves a purpose in your life.

So, now you’ve got some unusual written material, produced with significant effort – what’s it good for? At a minimum, the process of writing it has shown you your own thoughts on the topics covered, and perhaps helped you better know yourself. Additionally, you now have this document to which you can refer whenever you need to make or re-evaluate a decision. “How does this (option A, B, or C) line up with what I say is important?” Perhaps you feel yourself being drawn back into a relationship which has a history of pain or dysfunction – wouldn’t it help to be reminded of what you value to guide you in your decision? Your Personal Declaration of Independence – “don’t leave home without it”!