Made any Good Mistakes Lately?

There’s a lot to be said for doing things well, for “getting it right”, but most people have little good to say about their “mistakes”. Of course we all have opinions about experiences – some we like more than others - but mistakes seem to be universally despised, both in ourselves and in others. If we make a mistake we may feel shame, embarrassment, anger, frustration, and fear, among other things. Occasionally, buoyed up with hope, we may detect in ourselves surprise, curiosity, bafflement, humour and renewed determination to succeed next time. What conditions predispose us to the more hopeful responses? Since “mistake” seems to be an outcome-oriented judgment, what difference does being hopeful make to the next outcome? Do mistakes always produce undesirable outcomes? Is one person’s mistake another person’s success? If you have no particular desired outcome, can you still make mistakes? How would you know you had? So many questions…such interesting possibilities!

Predisposing conditions may include (among many others not cited):

• Expectations
• Experiments
• Experience

Sometimes we expect to “beat the odds”, to have magical powers and unbelievable good fortune, when deep down inside a little voice is saying “maybe this isn’t such a good idea”. (Ever regretted investing in a speculative stock or business opportunity?) Now, that little voice isn’t infallible, and it can be a drag on creativity, but if we’ve been infected with a sense of entitlement (“I can have/I deserve everything I want”) we may not listen to the voice when it speaks truth. This is not to say we shouldn’t have goals which stretch us, but rather that those goals become more viable when they don’t violate some “universal” law – often described as “core values”. The antidote to entitlement is humility. Not apathy, not impotence, just having a sense of our place in the Universe. Life teaches, we learn, not the other way ‘round. Unrealistic expectations intensify the negative responses to “unwanted” outcomes and interfere with the lessons that those outcomes offer.

Possessing a measure of humility might also clear the way for a more “experimental” view of our goal-oriented behaviour. “If I do this, I wonder what will happen?” Such curiosity is often rewarded, unlike more rigidly defined “acceptable” outcomes. Curiosity and openness to unexpected (perhaps even unwanted) outcomes allows us to remain teachable, to view the mistake as useful data to put back into the hopper for the next decision. This isn’t an endorsement of reckless, ill-considered action – “c’mon loosen up: it’ll be good experience” – because actions (even immediately regretted actions) have consequences and we may not wish to live the rest of our lives with those particular consequences. Fortunately, we are also capable of making use of other people’s experiences – we’re not doomed to experience the consequences of bad choices personally as the only way to learn. The more curious and open we become, the more information we have at our disposal on which to base future decisions, regardless of whether it is “first-hand” or borrowed. Viewed in this way, “unwanted outcomes” often serve to improve our aim at our chosen target, and, if we “own” them and make them available, they can be of use to others as well.

It has to be said that not all mistakes are unintentional. We may know something is not wise or, even worse, that it’s certainly harmful, and still choose to do it anyway. Conversely, we may know to do the right thing and choose not to do it anyway. Both these situations can harm ourselves and others. If we continue to repeat these mistakes, we may be nurturing some form of pathology or addiction and any potential life lessons learned through these mistakes are overwhelmed by the consequences of our decision to remain unhealthy. Most of us become shamed and demoralized when our knowledge about the problem (and some corrective response to it) greatly exceeds our track record of taking action. To repeat, if we know to do good, and choose not to, we feel bad. Mistakes in this “stuck” category may account for most of the bad feelings that we have associated with mistakes in general. That stuck feeling can have us believing we need to feel differently in order for change to be possible – “I know what I need to do, but I just don’t feel up to it.” This is an insidious trap. More often than not, if we’re feeling stuck, the next thing that needs to happen is an action, not a feeling. Action ends the stuckness, then we feel different, not the other way around.

So far, as we consider how to make the most of mistakes, we have identified the need for thoughtful, balanced expectations, for an experimental stance (it’s all useful data), and for an appreciation of the value of our own and others’ experiences. When we adopt those positions in relation to the problem/challenge, a hopeful response to an unwanted outcome becomes possible and doesn’t seem irrational, just adaptive. Maintaining this stance as we move through the problem/challenge will improve the odds for happy outcomes. Even if we become very skilled, mistakes are still going to impact us. Do mistakes always produce undesirable outcomes? It would seem not, since most of us have heard stories of product development that took a left turn and became something useful – sticky note glue is one example. One person’s “mistake” can indeed be another person’s “success”. Maintaining the curiosity and openness discussed above allows the useful qualities of the unintended outcome to remain visible to us as the observer, and then we can adapt to and benefit from the new information. If we can manage our own anxiety, this is as true in relationships with people as it is with the world of things. To offer a simplistic example: if long-term relationship is the only acceptable object of “dating”, then we’ll miss out on some valuable friendships and rewarding experiences.

Finally, if we have no particular goal or outcome in mind, can we still make a mistake? It seems to be the perfect perverse strategy for someone who simply wished to avoid having to confront his/her own mistakes. Don’t act with intention, and presto! nothing that happens will be my fault. As foolish as this may sound, it is familiar enough to most of us to make us squirm with the discomfort of self-recognition. Live long enough and you learn you can’t scam the “system” – having no particular goal is the mistake, and a lack of intentionality will let life slip between your fingers. If, on the other hand, we take the risk of failing, and energetically commit to experiencing all life puts before us, then we can integrate “mistakes” into the story of our life, where they belong and where they can do the most good.