Connection Before Correction

Among the most frequent situations to be discussed in my counseling room are parental dilemmas around “how do I get my kids to obey me?” Often the speaker is male and, in two-parent arrangements, seems to be the parent most invested in establishing control, which can also add “relationship conflict” to the list of problems. Regardless of whatever influence gender may have on this thinking, the result is usually a downward spiral of frustration and oppositional behaviour. If one parent is the primary caregiver and spends the majority of time with the child, the other parent may feel they have a clearer picture of the problem and jump in with a simple (often simplistic) solution. Buoyed up with the certainty that can accompany “too little information”, the solution may be rammed into place with destructive effect. My observation is that, when the correction is seen to come from the less-connected (in a mindful time-served sense) parent, the acceptance rate is lower. But lets not just consider this from an effectiveness standpoint – the observation is potentially pointing out an important factor that is life building for both parent and child. “Connection before Correction” isn’t just a strategy, it’s an expression of priority, in both the importance and the sequence of the actions taken by parents.

What I mean is: the primary parental objective is to be the most significant person in your child’s life – to teach by example, to guide, to correct, to know and be known, and to love. All this is intended to result in a young adult capable of thoughtful autonomy. If we as parents take the time required (there are no shortcuts) to develop this wide, deep and durable connection, our less popular moves (correction) are more likely to be accepted and effective. This principle cannot be implemented as a “last-ditch” effort and then be expected to produce instant compliance and obedience - we’re talking about the long game here. It’s never too late to start, just don’t expect miracles. However, the sooner, the better, for the older the child at the time you take this on, the more work you have in store.

The priority of connection can also be expressed in the order of events in your parental interventions. It is a well-known communication strategy to establish eye contact before delivering a verbal message. In like manner when you’re about to go all parental on your child, establish an as-neutral-as-possible-under-the-circumstances connection with them – first control your own anxiety and emotional turmoil and then draw on all the credit you’ve established in your relationship bank with this child. Don’t guilt them, just be with them in the way you would like them to be with you. Presumably, this is a more do-able task for you as a result of your life experience and maturity, and, although you would hope for reasonableness from your child, your example is powerful even if you don’t see similar behaviour coming back at you in the moment. (Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.)

I know that many readers of this who are parenting teenagers will have difficulty with the “reasonableness” approach and the emphasis on “connection” because the times when this is most needed (in my view) are the very times when our patience is strained to breaking point and we as parents tend to feel entitled to blow off a little steam, to be righteous in our anger. What I’m inviting you to do is reflect on this principle in calmer times to better evaluate whether it has anything to offer you and your child when things go critical. If the focus of this strategy is seen as broader than the crisis, it begins to make sense and even be rewarding. Despite the aloof posturing your teen may deploy, there’s likely a well-concealed need to matter to you, to be validated, supported, to be helped to succeed. Even if there’s precious little evidence of this need, it’s better to act as if it were there than to become cynical and detached. An unfortunate effect of all the received wisdom on “what teens are like” is a tendency for parents to throw in the towel too early in the game, to have very limited expectations for the quality of the parent/teen relationship. How you connect with your child at every earlier stage of their young life contributes to how it goes during the teen years.

Regardless of the age of your children, the injunction to focus on connecting with them will be more rewarding and will stimulate your creative responses to the challenges of parenting better than a teeth-gritted commitment to control. Just like ourselves, children instinctively prefer to be treated as persons, not just behaviour-generating units. The quality of the relationship we create with them profoundly influences the course and the outcome of our biggest job ever – parenting our children to autonomy. Connection lasts a lifetime; the need for correction is essential, but brief in comparison. Don’t succumb to the voices of doom and gloom. Expect to matter to your child. Choose parental actions that honour a lifetime of connection with persons of quality – your kids.

Dave Hallam, MSW, RSW